This is my norm

I’ve been anxiously waiting for this day to come, very similar to how I waited for it last year, but in a different way! Today is the day that Ella has been home with us for a year! Finally. It seems like forever ago that I posted about their birthday. Sheesh! I’ve had three haircuts since then, yet, it is true, all that time last year, Ella was waiting not-so-patiently to come home and join her family. Oh it was a grueling three months without her. The drive to and from the hospital was sickening. Sickening because going there, I knew we would only be able to stay a few hours, since we had Preslyn and Hayden at home with babysitters, and leaving was like tearing my heart out every single time. I have never wanted to be in two places at once more than then. I remember BJ physically pulling me out of the NICU every single time. I hated leaving her. I especially hated it when she was wide awake, which was pretty much most of the time that she was feeling ok. She would look at you with these HUGE gray eyes almost as to beg for you not to leave. It was gut wrenching.

Today was the best day ever for our family, one year ago. People kept on saying, “oh its going to be so hard,” and “how are you going to do that”. Pretty much I didn’t care if having twins and a 2 year old was the hardest, most exhausting thing I’d ever done, it would be easier than having one in the hospital, very sick and at one point almost losing her, and having two healthy children at home, who needed me desperately as well.

February 11, 2008–It was the happiest day ever, and I remember driving away with her in the car and not feeling like it was real. Feeling like someone was going to stop us on the way out and say they made a mistake. I think I remember us even saying on the way out, “is this for real?” and then followed it up with, “just keep walking before they stop us.” We probably looked like we were kidnapping a baby we were walking so fast.

Oh Ella, how we have loved having you in our lives this past year. You were in our lives in the hospital, you were deeply in our hearts. But having you home was finally a chance to get to learn your routines, learn how to make you “all better”. I learned how to change your ostomy bag, which was a nightmare the first couple of times, but I soon became very good at it, as did your nanny, Misti. We were a team! Even Granna gave it a shot one time. It is not for the weak that’s for sure! But we all loved you so much and hated for you to have that thing on you.

When you came home, your sister Preslyn, just loved loved loved you to death. She loved to just get cuddled up on you and then you released your famous squeal! Oh the squeal! It is still with us today and is heard daily. It is extremely loud and you have no patience whatsoever. You squeal when you are hungry and if I am not running around trying to get another bite in your mouth you squeal. You squeal when you get squished by your sisters. It is so funny.

I have loved you in our lives and can’t imagine how it would be without you. You bring your own dynamic into our family. You have just learned to play peek-a-boo and many times you will instigate it. You climb wheeled-toys like a daredevil, you love to pretend you are on the phone, you get out of the bath by yourself, you still suck your fingers and can go to sleep with just a soft blankie and your fingers. You are finally starting to play with your sisters and it is so cute. You love to dance. And you only like to be in my lap if no one else is…if they try to impose…..you SQUEAL!

You say da-da, mama, a form of Hayden that sounds kind of like aahhhdii, nigh-nigh, eeeee (eat), go go go, du (duck), ba (bath), and He-oH (hello).

Our little belle-belle, we are so thankful for you every day. I have been made aware of so many people lately that have lost a child or baby and it has felt heartwrenching. I know those feelings of helplessness as a parent who’s child is fighting and I am so thankful that your story resulted in you coming home. I love you more than words, my baby. Oh, how I love you!